I am getting married in 29 days.
I have so much stuff in my head that has been trying to sort itself out for the last 6 years and I thought that I was dealing with it like a goddamn champ but it turns out...I wasn't. And apparently planning a wedding has made me realize this. And planning a wedding means I feel like I need to postpone dealing with it.
My plan right now is to get married first, and then talk to a therapist. I can't imagine trying to have appointments with a therapist, have sobbing meltdowns every week (yes, I am to that point where if I talk about this stuff I cry a lot), and continue to effectively get everything done that needs to get done for the wedding. I've already picked out the therapist I want to speak with - she has brown hair and a nice smile. She is older than me but not so old that she could be my mom. Every therapist I felt drawn to looked like this. I don't know if that means anything or not.
I should probably mention, because I said that I've been trying to sort things out for 6 years and that's about how long Ben and I have been together: my need to speak with a therapist is not necessitated by my relationship with Ben. I mean, I will probably talk about him in my sessions...of course I will talk about him in my sessions...and I have ideas of what those things will be. Most likely it will be about how to continue to maintain my sense of self as a person that doesn't have a super strong sense of self but is in a relationship with someone who is very sure of who he is. Ben doesn't impose himself on me, he does the opposite: he is endlessly encouraging and supportive and he wants me to be autonomous...I just have issues that have nothing to do with who he is but that are also reflected back to me off the sheen of his confidence. Now that I've talked more about him than anything else I'm sure it seems he is the impetus behind my need to see a therapist - I can assure you he is NOT.
My reasons for needing to see a therapist are oh so similar to so many other people's reasons for needing to see a therapist: family relational issues & loss of religious faith...and basically how those things have affected my choices and who I've become.
I've had some harsh things said to me since I stopped being a Christian...maybe only 2 or 3 people even considered that it might actually have been an involuntary, painful loss. It's something that I've been grieving for the last 4 years or so and I don't know how to process it or how to move forward with it. I consider faith to be intensely personal and I don't understand why people feel the need to insert themselves into my journey - I would certainly never insert myself into theirs. I didn't even do that when I was a Christian and I was taught that it was a moral imperative to save other people's souls. I don't understand why so much judgement would be leveled at someone simply for saying they just weren't as sure as they were before. That's really all I've been saying - I'm just not as sure as I was before.
I am thinking about writing about my therapy experience here but I cannot say how transparent I will be. I am a fairly open person and I don't mind sharing just about anything about myself and my life...but I think it may be unkind and unfair to lay out conversations and interactions that were had privately, no matter how cathartic and satisfying it might be to me to do so. I do think talking about these things in a vague manner would actually come across as passive aggressive but I'm not going to express every thought & emotion in my head & heart just so I can feel justified and righteous and "heard" at the expense of other people in my life. See?! That right there? Totally vague...and could totally be seen as passive aggressive. Or maybe it just seems passive aggressive to me because I know things that you don't...like maybe I've been on the reverse end of that emotional dumping and it sucks. Passive. Aggressive. I clearly need therapy ;P
So, yeah...family relational issues, loss of religious faith, weak sense of self/identity...and it's all jumbled up together and it's confusing and it's painful and it makes me sad. So to a therapist I go.
One last thing: I do want to note that I am OK. I am happy day to day and I couldn't be happier about my relationship with Ben - every day with him is the best, he makes all my days great and sunshiny and I'm not depressed. There is just this underlying current of personal stuff that I need to figure out for myself. So that I can just be me. So that I can just be.